Back to Reality!

And just like that, Iceland was done. Bucket list No 5 has been ticked off the list and real life resumes. 

Real life as we do not know it. Real life is not back to work. It's not moaning cos our neighbour parked in our space or moved our bin. It is not planning our holidays or even our next weekend.  

Real life is waiting whilst we see how the chemo affects mum. So far 

Week 1 Nausea. Even the sound of people talking makes her feel sick. Oh dear.  

Week 2 far better. but not craving anything particular. Lost 3lbs so far. I'm not appy about that let me tell you. Mum and the family are getting a bit pissed off at my persistence on the nutrition here, but I am adamant it is not an accident that I do this for a living and that I have become more health focused and wellbeing focused along the way. Of course she needs to eat for her body health but she also needs to eat for her soul health too. So finding a balance of this is proving mpre difficult than we imagined. 

It's been an odd couple of weeks. I am not sure why neither of us have really posted much. 

Partly cos I haven't been overly sad and also, cos I haven't been overly positive. I feel somewhat in a limbo with my emotions. I worry I am not more sad at this point in time. I worry that the universe will get wind and find me something to be sad about. I know it doesn't work like that but it doesn't mean thats not whats going around in my head.  

Mum's 1st chemo went "smooth" accept some misscommunication with the doctors and nurses. More frustrating to say the least. As if going through this wasn't confusing enough, the doctor not following through on stuff they said makes it even more scary. I was angry last week. The fear that something bad might happen all for an admin error ate me up. Mum calmed me down though. She pointed out, if this was how it was meant to be then so be it. And my fear is only poignant if Yoda doesnt respond. But she will. The cancer will respond. No point thinking any other way.  

Part of me, the strongest part. Believes in miracles so much that I wonder if thats why my sadness is at bay. I feel so sure that our positivity and our love and our connections will lead to an amazing outcome. My logic knows that that means it could just be mental peace and the body may not respond. I get how spirituality works 🙄Its not about getting whst you want but perhaps what the universe decides you need.

I remember someone I worked with years ago saying, after her brother died, how she used to believe everything happened for a reason, until then. Now She was angry, "how could this possibly be for a reason" and I remember thinking. Cos the reason is far bigger than her and her family. The reason is beyond imaginable and it's hard to accept. I never said anything. Fuck of course I didn't, but it keeps ringing true. We can positive think us a miracle but the miracle might be that mum goes in peace and contenement. And not in fear or pain. But my ego self, my child self, my scared self, my self that doesn't feel I can do life without her in it, says, fuxk that shit. We need a miracle miracle. Like one where the cancer has disappeared. And funnily enough. I believe in that too. 

There is literally no point in fearing or preparing for anything other than a miracle. Instead we just sit tight. We meditate. We visualise. We breath. We talk. We hug. We just do this together. And we take it day by day.  

I am scared though. That we are not making the most of this time. Post chemo mum had a week of nausea so we couldn't do anything anyways. But I want to change the world with whats going on. I feel like thats a reason for all this. To be open and share this stuff. I want us to podcast and write and talk to Holly and Phil about how amazing mum is and how you can beat depression with cancer. Cos that's how it feels. Mum's cancer has pushed her depression aside and she's the most content I've seen her in a long time. Cos she has some purpose maybe. Some fight. Some hope that there is more reason on this earth than to just exist. It's of course the eye opener you get when your time is threatened. And I want her/us to shout it from the roof tops. Don't wait too long to start living. Do it now. Live now. 

But fear seeps in. Of course. The ego always seeps in. So currently just trying to work on that. And then that distracts me from whats really going on. And I wonder. Am i feeling anxiety that we are not doing enough so that I don't feel sad that mum has cancer? What tricks is my mind playing. How is it protecting me? Or am I just being strong. Maybe you do get the strength from somewhere you never knew without even realising. Maybe everything we feel is so normal and I need to breathe some more. Let it all be some more. Maybe. I dont know. 

It just feels like time is so precious and I worry that lying here writing about it loses us that time. Time when we could be on This Morning spreading the word. The cancer is not the worst thing in the world, existing in one that you dont enjoy, appreciate, love... is. 

So we keep on trying to do all of that. When we can. Where we can. And pray that that lesson is lesson enough.  

Love Danni xxx

Happy International women's day!

We are on our 2nd full day in Reykjavik Iceland and we have 2 full days left! We are lying in the sun on our hotel beds, stripped off all the layers and writing our blogs. We've had a day of mooching about.

We went to the penis museum followed by a church visit. To repent our sins obviously. And then we spent the day in coffee shops reading and writing and doing some work. 

We are both reading Pema Chodrons "When Things Fall Apart" I just read a chapter about letting go of hope. Letting go of the idea to be better, do better and to just get good and "being" Another chapter talked about how wasting time on our self image is like coming upon a tree of singing birds and wearing ear plugs. She talks about our resistence to what is and how we need to start having some self compassion. To see our resistence and start wondering about it. To stop hiding from it with (whatever means we use to try to be better, look better, dress better, come across as better) To just try to accept ourselves but face our discomfort of who we are, head on. To look at our thoughts and watch them and not run away from them.

There's been a lot of silence on our trip. Lots of convo too, but mum and I are obviously comfy with each other. So we let the silence be there. It's something I have learned over the last few years. To not always say something. To not cover up my thoughts with chatter. My thoughts make me uncomfy at times and so chatter helps silence them. The chatter would include moaning or slagging someone, people, myself off. The chatter might be voicing my angst or whining at my short comings. I notice when you try to stop that. When you see your negative shit but do not then use whinging or moaning to fill that void of unease, you are often left with silence. That doesnt mean the thoughts stop. To be honest sometimes it encourages the thoughts more. Which is the whole reason I never would have in the past, let there be silence. 

But now, with my most close people, silence is inevitable. 

I watch my thoughts go by and they make me feel shit. I attach to them without thinking and then have to purposefully pull myself away. I dont think being a strong woman is about not having those thoughts. Or not even, letting the thoughts get to us. They do. They will. There will be glimpses of sadness as a quick fleeting thought comes in "I'm boring. Have I got nothing to say, would mum laugh more with someone else, am I being positive enough energy for her, would she have more fun with someone else" I don't know if we can ever truly let go of the thoughts altogether. But the strong side of me says. "These thoughts are not true. These thoughts are ok and dont make you a weirdo. These thoughts are not who you are. They are just thoughts" 

International women's day... I dont know what the ethos is directly behind it. Other than a celebration of women. 

Today I celebrate the bestest woman I have in my life, my mum. I celebrate myself. I celebrate how strong we are seperately and as a team. I celebrate that our strength comes from our vulnerability and our ability to be ok with being scared. Of being imperfect. Of having thoughts that dont serve us and moving on passed them and letting go of the need to be the perfect daughter, mum, cancer patient/carer, human. We are not perfect and this journey is going to be far from it. Letting Pema Chodrons words about "hope" and being ok with things just "being" sink in.   

 🙏🏽

The Rawness of it all

Nearly 3 weeks has past. I haven't cried cried for a few days. I've had a slight escape and got drunk with friends. There is guilt there for her but it was also needed and the guilt is short lived. Mum would tell me to stop being ridiculous. 

I worry that I have stopped crying so much is that I am disillusioned. That we have no idea what is going to hit us and that the tears are Gonna come back heavier and harder. But then I also think no. We are just on a road of acceptance. And not acceptance of death. We are not just giving up. But acceptance of the cancer and the scenario and being able to say "ok universe this is what you got. Let's go" In the awareness and acceptance of that things feel better. For now.  

We have been clearing my mum's flat. She's a alight hoarder 🙄and it has been therapeutic. Clearing old energy thst she no longer needs. Keeping the good ol faithful sparking joy items and not keeping things that she just doesn't love that much. We have bags and rails of things to sell and give away. Fundraiser clothes partay is coming your way. 

We are talking about clothes she might wear to chemo. Sparkly dresses shes worried shes might never get to wear again. Fuxk it. You bloody will. Let's sit in chemo in dresses and pink wigs and live it up.  

We found scarves that she never wears and decided to practise head wraps (I'm awful) for when she loses her hair. Apparently she will. Although I'm sure you can get a freeze cap thing? But she looks cute in the head wraps so maybe I'll just get better at them.  

We also had a family row. Some anger and basically fear. Fear at the system. Fear about getting lost in a process and not getting the best care. Cos we get it. The nhs cant surely give the best care to everyone. Surely there is a priority list. And as we are still in limbo we just all have fear bubbling over. But we are a family that rows and then we are fine. We need it. We need to say the rawness of it all. We need to say. "I am scared" im angry cos im scared. I'm shouting cos im scared. I'm saying hurtful things cos im scared. 

I am scared. But I am also feeling inspired to take this challenge on. I feel inspired to be mums wing woman and turn up to the cancer party arm in arm and say DJ. Play our favourite song. And dance like noones watching as we dance battle our way through this. 

I'm lying in bed waiting for mum to come to bed so we can breathe and visualise and love the cancer away.  

Xxx 

10 things I've noticed about cancer

1) It makes you smell. Not the person who has it necesserily. But the stress of it all is making my armpits really spicy. I used to get spicy pits a lot but the last few years they've been really good. I assumed I had just found a genius deodriant. Turns out I've just not been sad, depressed, worried or anxious. Cancer makes you all of these things therefore I now have spicy armpits. Well one to be precise. The left one. The right never smells that bad. 

2) People are so loving in hard times. People want to be there. People want to care and show love. People do come closer together because death is fucking scary and we all relate. We all fear. We all will die. We all know someone that has died or is dying and we all come together as one bit empathy huddle. Its nice.  

3) despite the horrendous diagnosis noone at the hospital seems to be in a rush. Maybe cancer isnt the big C for them as they see it daily but I think they forget this is our 1st time.  

4) people don't like saying the word cancer. Like its a dirty word. I get It. But I feel the need to be able to say it. Talk about it and talk to it. Yes. I talk to my mum's cancer.  

5) Nothing much else matters other than dealing with the cancer. But you don't suddenly not care about peoples non trivial life moans. You understand we are all human and Sharon at work is still acting like a betch and you totally get why your friend wants to put salt in Sharon's tea instead of sugar "by mistake" Quite literally these mundane things can be a good distraction.  

6) cancer has bought out the best in mum so far. She's up for living and doing and being. And that's so great. 

7) you can't really travel. Cos insurance. Cos chemo. Cos may get ill... But we will find a way. Bucket list gotta happen.  

8) cancer changes your life so much and yet the world keeps ticking. Which is scary and comforting at the same time.  

9) there is lots of shite Info out there. It's so hard to put your spiritual beliefs your conspiracy theory beliefs your work and education and trust in things all in one box and make decisions based on care and logic and not just on your own labels and beliefs and not just based on love. Cos of course you love your person so much you just want to love them better and sell the house and pay for private and fly them to the best healers or the best team or the best hospital but you also have to be practical for them. Logical and smart about it. You have to be patient and calm and sometimes you just want to rub spirilina on their chest and make them drink brocoli gravy just incase it cures them even though you know it probably doesn't. Logic and sense all seems muddled. 

10) cancer makes us hungry. Mum's been starving. I cant stop eating. I think its the fear. Excitement makes me not hungry and fear makes me starving. So we are eating our way through the fear currently and I'm ok with that  

The Waiting

The Waiting is killing me. The anxiety of the feeling that we should be doing more. Looking at better docs. Better treatments. Better wait times. Better diagnosis. Better prognosis. Are we stupid to hear what they say and trust it? Are we stupid to be being positive? Are they keeping stuff from us? Are they lying? Do the docs know if its worse? Are we nieve to what hellis to come? 

On the most part I am so positive. So positive cos there truly isnt any point being negative. My mum deserves more than that. We all do. But the last couple of days I've just felt low. I've gone from wanting or needing to tell the world to not wanting to mention it incase mentioning it made it more true. More serious. More devastating.  

I am so scared this is the most well mum will be before things get worst. I want her to make the most of this time. Wear her sparkles, die her hair, feel sun on her skin. I want her to wear her bright heels and dance and live in London.like she always waned. I want her to feel the sea and see the waves and have sand in her toes. I want her to watch all of greys anatomy like she's been meaning to and I want us to do all the healing and meditating and exercising and breathing.  

I want the treatment to start but also I'm scared for it to.  

I'm scared of what is to come. The unknown.  

Today I sent reminders to her to drink her water, dance to her fav song, stretch, eat nutritious food, breath and meditate. These routine things to help structure a feel good healing energy.  

I just want to look after her and hug her and squeeze her and make her feel better.  

I dont like the waiting. 

Bringing us together

When mum first told us the news, J (The hubby) was comforting me and said "I know its so unfair" Which was odd cos I hadn't thought that yet. It wasnt the first thought cos I guess my first thought was that we had been so lucky that this was the first major heart break we had ever had. I'm not discounting the loss of my Poppa. Of course that was very sad. But he was old in my head and I had been 14. Quite honestly death or the context hadnt hit me just yet. People lost grandparents I guess. Whereas parents. People didn't lose parents right? 

So in amongst the fear that creeps in daily, the unfairness of it all has sometimes raised its ugly head but mostly I feel lucky. Lucky I have had this amazing relationship with mum so far. Lucky we have been given time. Lucky that we are growing closer.  

And that seems to be what it's done with other people in our lives too. With strangers on the internet, strangers on the street (my mum has gotten into conversation with the homeless boy outside sainsburys and a connection was made) The family have connected more, friends have reached out. There has begun this sense of coming together. Becoming more close. It has been lovely to feel and to see and mum has felt it and it has helped her and her mindset greatly.  

But of course. Time and realisation seems to be sitting with her a little deeper. And it is hard to watch or see. As she sat in the bath last night we talked. She has begun feeling more scared. The realisation of it all has started to hit hom. And that's horrid to witness. I don't want her to feel scared. But of course she is. The unknown. The medication. The end.  

We spoke this morning again though, of how she doesn't have to be "an average" She's not a bloody average. She's always been unique. And so why the hell do we have to listen to average stats. Average outcomes and average guesses.

We do not.  

The worst of this so far is limbo, is having to be patient. Having to wait for more results. Of course we are so grateful for the NHS but you cant help but think, "if we were private would we have started treatment by now?" and then you think... what if its a good thing to have not started treatment just yet. Maybe this is going to be the better bit. Maybe the "before" is the bit you wish you had embraced because once treatment starts, it gets harder? It's so hard as we just don't know how she will react to the treatment, whatever she ends up having. And mum has voiced her fears about hair loss and steroids and I totally feel for her. With her. That is fucking scary. I am now on the look out for good wigs. Microblading and ways to give her lashes. Head scarf ideas and maybe lets get her some fake tan. Nothing a tan cant cure.  

It's hard to see my mum scared or worried but also she needs to be allowed some of that fear. I don't think all this mindset stuff is about pretending not to be scared, but being aware of the fear and saying "I see you, but I will not let you beat me" so we talk, We plan and we embrace the good the bad and the ugly.  

But as I said, the one thing that's very apparent is that cancer can bring people together. Make us closer. Get us all connected.  

That love. Between us all. For each other. For ourselves. Love will always be the light in a really dark scenario that we can all share and find comfort in.

Love! 

You can believe the diagnosis but you don't have to believe the prognosis

Got back last night from the day spent with the family. It was our 1st meeting with mums oncologist and a talk on treatment and prognosis. 

He was sweet. Although I had a moment with the nurse who is asigned to us who shut down some of my questions. Despite them saying "come with a whole list of things to ask" But hey. We'd been in there an hour and our time was up. This upset me. I think this is going to frustrate me. And I am trying. To not let these things anger me cos noone need a that energy. But as a family, we talk, we argue, we communicate, we disagree, we go over and over things. We just process things a particualr way. And being shit down wasnt pleasant.  

We are waiting on some more results. Which will really be ideal. One last gene therapy treatment which is our best option in terms of it is just a tablet and not invasive like chemo. And then waiting for results on immunotherapy to run alongside chemo as this is a new treatment and may give us longer. Send all the prayers and good vibes you have people. We will find out about this on 26th Feb. 

The bad news is that mums sciatica pain in that the cancer spread to the bone in her back. "Are you fucking kidding me" I want to scream at the universe. But instead I repeat "things happen FOR us not TO us"  

We can zap that with radiotherapy asap before we get going with chemo.

I'm finding it so hard to let my own beliefs in medicine, the system, western approaches not to mess with my trust that chemo or what not; is the best approach. I am a hippy by nature but I do believe in evidence based science. But I also believe in the alternatives. We would never put mum in a position to not be treated with the evidence based way but I am also so determined that our beliefs in alternatives will help us. Even if that is just meditation, visualisation and laughter.  

Unfortunately my fear to keep using cbd oil whilst having chemo, will out way my belief we should. I really do believe that western medicine has so much to catch up on but I'm not risking mum gettin sick if she takes it during chemo. I need to see and read more pubmed evidence on this.  

I'm then also torn in having to reassure people like my nan, that I know better about nutrition than say a doctor. Which will never ever make sense to nan or even others. Why would someone believe me over a doctor ffs. Firstly docs are not nutritionists and whilst neither am I, my work is in this field so I read and listen about it day in day out. My passion is in nutrition for wellness and so I devote my life to learning as much as poss through sources I trust.  

The doctor however said this

"during chemo you need to try to eat as much as possible and have a high calorie diet "  

I agree.  chemo is going to take all mums energy and losing weight is not healthy for her. She will need all the strength she has and we need to help her stay her weight. 100% high cals are needed. 

He followed this by saying "so lots of cream, cheese, full fat milk, red meat"  

Ok so now you've lost me.  

There is "evidence that high fat diets help with "some" strains of cancer. There is also evidence that plant based helps with some other strains of cancer... So is this man telling us from the strain point of view or just his old school belief that a high cal diet needs to be dairy and red meat cos that's what we all got taught years ago?  

But why would a doctor not know what is healthy or not? Why would he not know about being able to eat high fat but with more nutritious choices?  

I dont even know the answer. But beliefs are strong. Beliefs are things that if we have learnt years ago, it is hard to change our minds. If you dont keep up with reading and looking into what "health" means more as a mind body and soul concept, you are stuck with just the belief that for now, health just means. Not losing weight and therefore eat the highest cal dense foods.  

But I believe health is all round. What makes mum feel good, move good and think good. Veggies and grains and lots of yummy plant based foods which have a shit ton of vitamins and minerals that she will also need. 

Yes she needs b12 and other nutrients from animal products so I am not saying she has to go fucking vegan. But she also does not have to eat red meat and dairy by the truck load. And whilst I'm a believer in moderation, just after lots of things I read. A high fat diet of red meat and dairy just does not sit right with me. I feel like he's missing a bigger picture. 

So I am on a mission to find my family evidence based research that not keto not vegan is absolutely the right way to go but perhaps whichever makes her feel the most energised, the most full of life and the most nourished.  

Ok I went off on a bit of a tangent but it's just my fears. Fears of what I do know that conflicts and then fear of what I don't know. Just a shit ton of fear.  

If one treatment doesnt work. We have options within lines of chemo they can try. It's going to be every 3 weeks if we go down the chemo route and she can't fly. So we need to do at least a couple bucket list things before we begin and then post 4 months of chemo we pray it has zpped it and she can have some quality of life before the cancer comes back. Which by western advise we have been told it inevitably will.

We on the other hand are not thinking like that. 

Fuck it.  

We are loving this cancer bone dry. We are Gonna give it so much love and not hostility that the cancer wont fucking know what to do with itself. 

So they can tell us its here to stay or coming back and we are not going to live with that as a fact.  

So we take each step at a time. I have strong faith that we are going to get mor time than that doc even could imagine. I have such strong faith that we are going to love laugh and live our way through any treatment they throw at us. 

We discovered that with cancer the thing you die of will inevitably be liver cancer. Thats when shit hits the fan. Why I've never realised how important your liver is I will never know.  

Something this is teaching me. Is about health on a whole new level. Without size attached. Without "who can lift the heaviest deadlift" even but just health in general.  

If cancer ever comes to you you need to be ready. You need to already be eating a healthy diet. *And thst does not mean salad for every meal* you need to be eating nutritiously is what I mean. For mind body and soul. You need to be drinking a shit ton of water. The people with most chances of survival are non smokers non drinkers. Being muscular and having strong joints and build is fucking so important cos treatment will try and shed you of all the energy you have. And the more muscle you have the more energy you have conserved. The more strength you have for this. Your bones. They need to be healthy and strong too and you can build that strength up with resistence training too.

It's just literally been an eye opener that healthy living will and can save you in the darkest hour. Health is a bullshit concept thrown around by my own industry and also by docs etc too. What the fuck does it really mean?

For me now. It means being able to be in the best possible mind body and soul space to deal with, live through and get over disease. To prevent it and then if not that, to help fight it. To be able to stay strong, comfortable, nourished even when the mind wants to give up, or having the mind be so strong even when the body wants to. And the things that help my mind are the things that help my body. 

Nutritious foods of all kinds. Ones for the body and for the soul. Movement, walking, stretching and strength training. Meditation and laughing. It is all so so intertwined. What is good for your head is good for your body. 

This is health for me now.  

And we are going to get mum on this path to lead the best quality life she has with the time she has left.  

We don't need their statistics. Cos statistics arent personal. They dont know my mum, our love or our trust in the universe. It knows better than we do. And if her time is up before we want it to be, we must trust that. But we won't take it lying down.

We 100% believe the universe wants us to perhaps not "fight" but to live and learn through it. And that we will.  

Each day

We spent the day together today for Valentine's. We meditated last night. We read this morning. You wrote a blog post. We started watching Valentine's day 🙄lol. I was actually quite enjoying it. We took you to the physio and you seemed so little and fragile. This scared me. 

We laughed about pushing you around in a wheel chair if it gets that bad. I promise I will push you around and take you wherever you want to go. Although if it comes to wiping your bum mum,I dunno about that. (Of course I will)  

We had a laugh about these things. We do laugh. About how you want glitter in your ashes and to be spread somewhere exotic. How I'd have to buy the urn a bloody plane ticket. That seems mental. It seems mental that we find humour in these moments or that our days can go without tears. I don't know if we are just in denial or just in "life"  

The mundane things. The normal things. The laughing at weird things. It all feels special and true and real. Real connections. Whether its right or "wrong" Which it can't be. To just feel so connected to you by something so damming and so treacherous it can tear us apart. 

But I know we won't let it. No matter if we are not connected by form or this life time. Our love couldnt be any stronger.  

I worry about you. I worry about me. I worry about how the family wont be the family without you. I worry about having kids without you. So I pray. For me,for you, for us that we get time. That we get miracles. That we get healing and contentment and peace and love and a future. 

We accept you cancer (for now) but you cannot stay for long.  

I cannot live without my mum: Day 7

After having a few good days I am here today, 1 week after the news, I cannot catch my breath. 

The idea of living in a world where my mum (by form) doesnt exist isnt worth living. There are two people in this world that truly get me and who I can unapologetically be myself. (This is selfish I know im aware) but two. One still doesn't get it as much as the other but he's a guy and tbh he was never ever gonna understand periods and my past as much as my person.  

My mum is my champion. The one I will call when shit hits the fan. When my world has crashed. And yet, the threat is she won't be here to call in my darkest hour.  

I can philosophise all I want but on days like today, I dont give af.  

Today. I just want someone to explain why they can't cut out all the tumours give her some medicine and love and put a plaster on it and let her heal. On days like today i don't understand why or how anyone can tell me our time is limited. 

I've been visualising and meditating daily. It helps. It really does. I'm a hippy by nature and both mum and I believe in energy and healing and love and light and the power of the mind. Which is nice. And comforting and also powerful.  

But, when fear sneaks in and niggles away even more aggressively than cancer, it's hard to snap back.  

But thats it isn't it. Fear is probably worse. Fear will kill us before cancer does. So we must not allow it to darken our days.  

but also sometimes. You just need to scream. To scream and cry and let the snot dribble into our mouths. Cos honestly. I know I "will" do it, but I do not know "how." I do not know how I will live without my mum. 

I can't catch my breath.

Cancer: Accepting it but not letting it win!

It's been 5 days since mum told me she has cancer (incurable at that) 

Day 1 and 2 felt like a hole I would never get out of. Any positivity or zen like behaviour I have learnt over the last 15 year's just wondered away waving back at me with a smug look on its face. It was like positivity and hope were laughing at me. "And you thought we could save you" It rounded the corner and I didnt think I would see it again. 

My mum on the other hand. Has been her best self. Full of energy, light, love, acceptance. This mostly made me so happy and so glad that someone was able to find the light in this situation, but it also partly angered me. "Oh now you wanna be happy? Now you wanna live life?"  

My mum, 55, single mum, a registrar for births deaths and marriages (she married me and my husband just one month ago) is a woman of love and passion. She has always had fire in her belly, fiercness with her opinions and a sting in her tail. Some people do not like my mum. Those people do not understand her. Those people are not her people and for years, that hurt me. She was loud, assertive (some would say aggressive) she would tell you what she thought and not always diplomatically. She's a defensive soul. Always felt under attack but quite honestly I feel like she often was. If not by other family members, then boyfriend's or co workers. And I'm my mother's daughter. So this angered me a lot. Other people I felt, would dull my mum's shine. 

And when other people weren't. Anti depressants did. My mum has always been depressed. From as far back as I can remember. Not to my agreement. I often felt like she was being a drama queen. "Just suck it up mum, think positively, move on" I had little understanding for depression growing up,despite my grandad being manic depressive my whole 14 years of life that I knew him, but still,I dint get it, nor did it resonate with me. 

Over the last 5 year's with a change in my job and a change in my own happiness ups and downs, I started to understand my mum a lot more. She gave up alcohol 6 years ago and has been sober since *which I am sure isnt the easiest thing for someone who likes to numb out her feelings. But she's done it and done it with grace and ease. But I would say that the last few years my mum hasn't seemed like the firery, opinionated, sweary mum I knew. The one that gave me my fesityness. In some ways, this was a good thing. She wasnt on the attack or deffense. She was calmer. And perhaps if she had felt more content, this would have been a good thing. But she withdrew more and more.

My mum is the most wonderful woman. She empathises (sometimes over relate ay mum?;) but, she listens, she hears you. Like really hears you. And her energy and ability to laugh in the worse case scenario is infectious. But antidepressants, boredom and lack of hope in herself to live her best life, took away that umph she had. From time to time we saw it. But her disbelief in herself over took any belief she once had. The glimpses of self acceptance and self love would show up from time to time (years worth of self help books would force that out of her) but then the ego, the fear, would come again and she would retreat back to her living room to swipe on Pinterest and eat teackaes. 

My mum. A woman capable to run workshops and facilitate a room, someone who could do stand up and hold attention anywhere, would curl back up into a quiet place in her head and a(void) life. Don't get me wrong, she still did stuff. She went to Skyros (her life long dream) She went on a Tantra holiday, yoga holiday, did a week long boot camp, would go to workshops in London, did the Hoffman course, image work therapy, spent time at AA occasionally, would take on new adventures and she did keep living. She did. But it was just the self belief that wavered, which I felt quitened her soul.  

Until she got cancer.  

and there she was. Her firey, funny, full of light self. Who would have thought it. Suddenly she wants to live. Cos quite frankly at times she hasn't wanted to. But it seems that now she does. I know. Why wait till death is a knocking to really decide you actually want to? Well that's just the way it is  thats just how it works sometimes and as sad as it is. If she gets only a small time of really wanting to live live rather than another 50 yrs existing,then hey, she would take that option any day. 

We all know this cancer will change our lives. We know there are harder days to come. We know she has cancer, we know time may be limited, but what we dont know is what time we have. We don't know the details. We don't know how this is all gonna go down. But all we do know is that we have to stand together in acceptance. 

What you resist, persists. 

So whilst people may not understand this, we are not going to create a hostile enviroment for this cancer. The more we try to anger or stress it away the more the enviroment for it to breed will become. Yes we will stand up to it but no we will not fight it with fear and hate.  

What we will do is learn about it. Find out all we can. And then in understanding it we can have less fear. And with less fear comes peace and with peace comes a body ready to heal. Be in physically or mentally. Either way. This is time for mum to heal. Not to live in darkness anymore but to actually be the light that she has always been but to now know it.  

So we have decided to talk to the cancer. So many people avoid it. So many people don't say the word (but me and mum have never been shy to use the C word) people say cancer like it's full of shame. Pain and horror. And whilst of course, there is that. There is love that has already manifested out of this. My mum has never felt so much connection and love. People reach out. People are kind. People are there and instead of pulling away like in the last year, she has leaned into the love.  

Also, the authenticity of the situation. There has been a lot of "chirpyness" since diagnosis. Lots of brave smiles. But yesterday. We had a row. She dint want to do the things I was asking her to do. "We don't have the time mum"  I was saying. "Stop being lazy" and mum fought back that she just wanted to sit and have another cup of tea. She didn't want to do her exercises etc and I wasn't having it. We shouted. I stormed out. I called my aunt in anger and frustration. And all whilst this was happening I didn't think it was sad. That mum had cancer and we were rowing. It felt real. It felt like us. We row. We are opinionated. 5 mins later we were fine and still loved each other more than anyone else in the world. Arguments are ok. Passion is ok. We needed to be frustrated and get it out rather than fester. Cancer loves that kinda enviroment. Cancer wants us to be stressed and angry and let our guard down. 

So instead we will not. 

Instead we have opened the door and welcomed her in. "Oh hey there Cancer, what brings you here? Fancy a cup of tea"  

"Huh" Knocked for six. "They let me in?" She thinks. "They werent meant to let me in,I was gonna just boulder my way through the door uninvited, unannounced. And ruin their lives"

"Want a biscuit with your cuppa? What brings you here today? Do tell us, let us take a perch and we can sit and chat" we say.

"Well what the fuxk is going on?" Thinks Cancer. "This is uncomfortable. I don't like kindness." 

"You are welcome to stay for tea and a biscuit but quite frankly, after that, we will have to let you out. We got shit to do, things to see, butterflies and sun and love to do. We cant stand around here moping and chatting with you for ages" 

"Thank fuck" thinks cancer, "cos y'all arent reacting at all the way I like."  

She sips her tea. She watches on timidly. Unsure. And when the time comes, we open the door.  

And away she walks. Saddened, weak and confused.  

We wave her on, "thanks for the visit" we say as we close the door behind her. 

Thanks for the short visit!  

The Beginning

On the 6th Feb 2019 my mum told me she had stage 3/4 lung cancer that was incurable and it had spread.

This is when my heart broke for the first time in my life. Really broke. Not been dumped by my boyfriend broke, but actually, ripped my heart out and snapped it into teeny pieces broke.

This so far was the worst day of my life, and truthfully, made worse by the fact that it followed two of the best years of my life. Whether that makes this news any worse or not, I will never have any idea, but all I can say is, for me, in my own context, it made this moment in time even more surreal and devastating.

There has been and is still, a roller coaster of emotions. Ones that I have no idea how to put into words. Without any of them sounding cliche too. I suddenly feel aware I am writing this in public domain. I am writing this so my mum will see and I am writing this without giving much context. But this is the beginning. None of it makes much sense.

The beginning seems a bit awful. The beginning of the end I thought when that came to my mind. But what I mean is that this is the beginning of something new, a whole new chapter that nope, neither of us wanted to explore, but these are the cards we have been thrown and this is what we now have to do. Embrace this new moment in time. This is the beginning of my mums new life. The beginning of her real self acceptance journey and the beginning of new, more real, more heart felt connections. This is the beginning of us, in a new light, in a new direction and we WILL make the best out of this shitty awful situation. Because if you cannot get love and light out of a scenario, then you are fucked.

Since day 1 (6th Feb 2019) whats been ringing in my ear is “Thing happen FOR you not TO you” Which sounds like philosophical bullshit, but truthfully. This is the beliefs that I have grown up with. My mum taught me every self helpy hippy dippy zenny pinterest quote there ever was before pinterest even existed. And our philosophies on life (and death) are shared. She is everything I know about life and love and she will, even in this fucked up mess, is showing me the way.

We cannot guarantee that this blog will be a master piece of writing. So far it’s apparent that this will be a mind dump. Of emotions and thoughts and weird and wonderful things we will discover along this journey. 100% guaranteed the SEO will be shit and no one will ever find our account of this. I am sure we are not the first to think a blog would be a good idea in this moment. But we don’t care.

My mum has always been a drama queen (I get it from her) She has a “special” complex where by she has the need to “be” or believe she is the most special. We have joked about it for years. She’d be all “everybody hates me” and id be all “you aint that special” It is a running joke.

And here she is. Gone and got bloody cancer and she is hell bent on milking this cancer journey for all it’s worth, get loadsa bloody attention and all the sympathy in the world. Well, if there was ever a perfect moment, now would be the time and if there is potential for her to share how she is feeling to the world, she bloody well will.

Her bucket list consisted of… write a blog with Danielle. We have been meaning to write a blog or our story or A story together for so long. And it only took death approaching, to get us into gear and do it.

So here we are. Sharing the heartache, the funnies and the honest feelings of how we are both dealing with this cunt. Cancer. You fucking cunt.

But me and mum have decided that “darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that” If this cancer thinks we are going to hate it, it’s got another thing coming. Me and mum have decided, we are going to embrace this. Accept this. Surrender to it, live with it and not beat or fight or try to hate it away.

We are not saying we are going to lie down dead. We are not here to just take a prognosis and agree to that date and let it kill us. But we cannot be angry. We cannot let the anger biol up so much that it takes away the life she does have left. Anger will only make it breed. Love on the other hand. Kindness. That will only make things better. We are not saying that we can love the cancer away, but we can love the pain away. We can love the heart break away. We can love each other so so so very much that the cancer will NOT HAVE WON! It will not win.

Miracles happen. Every day. And if the miracle is that my mum is full of love not fear, love not hate, kindness not resentment, then that miracle is miracle enough.

People will not understand our ways. I know people will find it odd that we may share so much of what we are going to share. But this is “our” way. We are over sharers (I learnt from the best) and nothing makes us feel better than being open, being “special” lol and being as honest and authentic as we can. Because we both truly believe that connection is the key to life and authenticity and honesty is the only way to truly connect.

If one person reads this and resonates to it. Feels comfort in the real, awful, rawness of this pain that we will not let beat us, then my mum (and I) have been successful. And if only we ever lay eyes on this, then we too have been successful in just letting this shit out. I am not bottling up how cancer is making me feel. Even if the truth is painful. Hiding that truth will always be worse.

There will no doubt be days I do not feel as zen, one love, about all of this. and I will share those days too.

This is not a philosophical account of how to love cancer away, but an honest account of how we will not let cancer ruin what joy we have left in us. It has sparked more joy (as Marie Kondo would say) in the last 72hrs than I ever thought cancer could do. Fuck, if it sparks this much joy we wont wanna get rid of it. My mum has always been a hoarder. Fuck, she might start hording cancer cells.

Of course “cancer” itself has not sparked joy this last 3 days, but what has, is knowing that we have each other, and all our other loved ones. Its knowing that we have some time. She wasn’t taken from me suddenly. We have time. If this is a message from the universe at all, we hear you, loud and clear. WE ARE GOING TO LIVE each day the best we can. Sometimes that will be movie days and others that will be standing watching butterfly’s. But we hear you. We will use this time, to love, live and laugh!

And PS: No this is not spell checked (despite that will pain you mum) but “aint nobody got time for that” Quite literally. This is a conscious stream of thoughts and feelings and in my head, nothing is spelt right anyways. We are not writing a novel. And if we are ;) we will have editors for that! :)