The Waiting is killing me. The anxiety of the feeling that we should be doing more. Looking at better docs. Better treatments. Better wait times. Better diagnosis. Better prognosis. Are we stupid to hear what they say and trust it? Are we stupid to be being positive? Are they keeping stuff from us? Are they lying? Do the docs know if its worse? Are we nieve to what hellis to come?
On the most part I am so positive. So positive cos there truly isnt any point being negative. My mum deserves more than that. We all do. But the last couple of days I've just felt low. I've gone from wanting or needing to tell the world to not wanting to mention it incase mentioning it made it more true. More serious. More devastating.
I am so scared this is the most well mum will be before things get worst. I want her to make the most of this time. Wear her sparkles, die her hair, feel sun on her skin. I want her to wear her bright heels and dance and live in London.like she always waned. I want her to feel the sea and see the waves and have sand in her toes. I want her to watch all of greys anatomy like she's been meaning to and I want us to do all the healing and meditating and exercising and breathing.
I want the treatment to start but also I'm scared for it to.
I'm scared of what is to come. The unknown.
Today I sent reminders to her to drink her water, dance to her fav song, stretch, eat nutritious food, breath and meditate. These routine things to help structure a feel good healing energy.
I just want to look after her and hug her and squeeze her and make her feel better.
I dont like the waiting.