When we 1st had the prognosis appointment with mum oncologist (gosh I used to think someone that had their very own "insert medical term and then put "ist" was rather fancy...) now I realise it just means your seriously fucking ill, but I digress. When we 1st spoke to the doctor he said "Oh no, you can't go away whilst you are having treatment" Basically... "fuck your bucket list, that's a no go"
Right then and there we panicked. The romanticised vision of what terminal cancer means (may I add noones used the word terminal yet. Maybe I should stop) but we had romanticised it. Write a blog, share our story and travel the bloody world. But nope! Hold it there sister. You ain't going nowhere. Even dying the hair and getting tattoos got an "ummmmmm well..." response. Oh eff off. Just eff off Dr Basu!
Turns out. There's a lot of limbo and a lot of waiting. So we got tattoos, started the blog and booked a last minute trip to Iceland to hope the universe opens up to us and reveals us the northern lights. We are currently in business class, Eddy and Saffi style (if ya know ya know) living it up. I mean I say living it up. We are drinking water and I cant even eat the free pastries cos they are not vegan. What is with people, Its 2019. Isnt everyone vegan yet?
There's been an odd feeling this last week. I have sort of forgotten mum is ill. We went to the coast to see my dad and his girlfriend. (We are all friends, I know, very modern family of us) and we had a right ol jolly. We laughed, we are, we were merry. And now here we are swanning off. Mum isn't unwell. For stage 4 cancer she looks bloody more well than she has done with just the bloody flu. It's hard to forget whats going on inside her and tbh, her spirits are so high it is easy to assume that its all a bit joke. That She's 100% fine. Better. Fixed. It was all a lie or a mistake.
I am under no illusion that chemo is gonna bring that fantasy crashing down like a massive shit in the face. So for now. We gotta live in THIS moment where all feels bloody marvellous.
I've had pangs of worry over the last few days though. That I am basking in the glory of the bucket list. I am living my own best life, yet really, it's not. Is it. I would rather never go on holiday ever again if it meant I could keep mum here with me till we are both old, wrinkly and pissing in our pants without a care in the world.
I worry I am enjoying life too much. Less work. More free time. More adventures. All at the detriment to mums health. To her life. The only reason this is the way it is is cos Yoda (the small c) has visited and apparently will not leave the building. Well Yoda our lovely wise friend who has come to teach us stuff. We are learning. Quickly. We are off living in the moment. We are positive. We are "being" Gosh I pray that you are listening and taking note.
Is it silly to pray to the universe that we are learning and we are doing and we are making the most of life in an attempt (not to cure mum) but of course, secretly you hope that you can wink up to the sky and say "have we done it? Have we passed the test? Can a miracle occur now?" Of course, it doesn't work like that. And I am sure that is a true sign we have not passed any test and perhaps are failing at it very hard with that mindset. If this were a film wouldnt it be the moment I said "ok universe. I'm letting go of the idea of life and the material form, and I am ok with mum not being here" that the cancer would disappeared and we woke up and it was just a dream?
But... this is not a drill. This is not a film. This is not a dream. And I am not going to lie. I am not ok with mum not being here. I know. I know I can survive. I know I will get by without her. But real life without her is shit. And whilst I'll trust the universe I still wana just slip it a 100 dollar bill yall and beg for mercy!
Alright. I know. There is no bargaining to be had. The universe doesnt work like that.
All we do know is that we do have to embrace it. We do have to let go. We do have to trust that the universe knows better than us. That what will be will be and all we can do is be in the best mindset to live the best "now" possible.
Right?
😉👀🤞🏼