When mum first told us the news, J (The hubby) was comforting me and said "I know its so unfair" Which was odd cos I hadn't thought that yet. It wasnt the first thought cos I guess my first thought was that we had been so lucky that this was the first major heart break we had ever had. I'm not discounting the loss of my Poppa. Of course that was very sad. But he was old in my head and I had been 14. Quite honestly death or the context hadnt hit me just yet. People lost grandparents I guess. Whereas parents. People didn't lose parents right?
So in amongst the fear that creeps in daily, the unfairness of it all has sometimes raised its ugly head but mostly I feel lucky. Lucky I have had this amazing relationship with mum so far. Lucky we have been given time. Lucky that we are growing closer.
And that seems to be what it's done with other people in our lives too. With strangers on the internet, strangers on the street (my mum has gotten into conversation with the homeless boy outside sainsburys and a connection was made) The family have connected more, friends have reached out. There has begun this sense of coming together. Becoming more close. It has been lovely to feel and to see and mum has felt it and it has helped her and her mindset greatly.
But of course. Time and realisation seems to be sitting with her a little deeper. And it is hard to watch or see. As she sat in the bath last night we talked. She has begun feeling more scared. The realisation of it all has started to hit hom. And that's horrid to witness. I don't want her to feel scared. But of course she is. The unknown. The medication. The end.
We spoke this morning again though, of how she doesn't have to be "an average" She's not a bloody average. She's always been unique. And so why the hell do we have to listen to average stats. Average outcomes and average guesses.
We do not.
The worst of this so far is limbo, is having to be patient. Having to wait for more results. Of course we are so grateful for the NHS but you cant help but think, "if we were private would we have started treatment by now?" and then you think... what if its a good thing to have not started treatment just yet. Maybe this is going to be the better bit. Maybe the "before" is the bit you wish you had embraced because once treatment starts, it gets harder? It's so hard as we just don't know how she will react to the treatment, whatever she ends up having. And mum has voiced her fears about hair loss and steroids and I totally feel for her. With her. That is fucking scary. I am now on the look out for good wigs. Microblading and ways to give her lashes. Head scarf ideas and maybe lets get her some fake tan. Nothing a tan cant cure.
It's hard to see my mum scared or worried but also she needs to be allowed some of that fear. I don't think all this mindset stuff is about pretending not to be scared, but being aware of the fear and saying "I see you, but I will not let you beat me" so we talk, We plan and we embrace the good the bad and the ugly.
But as I said, the one thing that's very apparent is that cancer can bring people together. Make us closer. Get us all connected.
That love. Between us all. For each other. For ourselves. Love will always be the light in a really dark scenario that we can all share and find comfort in.
Love!