After having a few good days I am here today, 1 week after the news, I cannot catch my breath.
The idea of living in a world where my mum (by form) doesnt exist isnt worth living. There are two people in this world that truly get me and who I can unapologetically be myself. (This is selfish I know im aware) but two. One still doesn't get it as much as the other but he's a guy and tbh he was never ever gonna understand periods and my past as much as my person.
My mum is my champion. The one I will call when shit hits the fan. When my world has crashed. And yet, the threat is she won't be here to call in my darkest hour.
I can philosophise all I want but on days like today, I dont give af.
Today. I just want someone to explain why they can't cut out all the tumours give her some medicine and love and put a plaster on it and let her heal. On days like today i don't understand why or how anyone can tell me our time is limited.
I've been visualising and meditating daily. It helps. It really does. I'm a hippy by nature and both mum and I believe in energy and healing and love and light and the power of the mind. Which is nice. And comforting and also powerful.
But, when fear sneaks in and niggles away even more aggressively than cancer, it's hard to snap back.
But thats it isn't it. Fear is probably worse. Fear will kill us before cancer does. So we must not allow it to darken our days.
but also sometimes. You just need to scream. To scream and cry and let the snot dribble into our mouths. Cos honestly. I know I "will" do it, but I do not know "how." I do not know how I will live without my mum.
I can't catch my breath.