And just like that, Iceland was done. Bucket list No 5 has been ticked off the list and real life resumes.
Real life as we do not know it. Real life is not back to work. It's not moaning cos our neighbour parked in our space or moved our bin. It is not planning our holidays or even our next weekend.
Real life is waiting whilst we see how the chemo affects mum. So far
Week 1 Nausea. Even the sound of people talking makes her feel sick. Oh dear.
Week 2 far better. but not craving anything particular. Lost 3lbs so far. I'm not appy about that let me tell you. Mum and the family are getting a bit pissed off at my persistence on the nutrition here, but I am adamant it is not an accident that I do this for a living and that I have become more health focused and wellbeing focused along the way. Of course she needs to eat for her body health but she also needs to eat for her soul health too. So finding a balance of this is proving mpre difficult than we imagined.
It's been an odd couple of weeks. I am not sure why neither of us have really posted much.
Partly cos I haven't been overly sad and also, cos I haven't been overly positive. I feel somewhat in a limbo with my emotions. I worry I am not more sad at this point in time. I worry that the universe will get wind and find me something to be sad about. I know it doesn't work like that but it doesn't mean thats not whats going around in my head.
Mum's 1st chemo went "smooth" accept some misscommunication with the doctors and nurses. More frustrating to say the least. As if going through this wasn't confusing enough, the doctor not following through on stuff they said makes it even more scary. I was angry last week. The fear that something bad might happen all for an admin error ate me up. Mum calmed me down though. She pointed out, if this was how it was meant to be then so be it. And my fear is only poignant if Yoda doesnt respond. But she will. The cancer will respond. No point thinking any other way.
Part of me, the strongest part. Believes in miracles so much that I wonder if thats why my sadness is at bay. I feel so sure that our positivity and our love and our connections will lead to an amazing outcome. My logic knows that that means it could just be mental peace and the body may not respond. I get how spirituality works 🙄Its not about getting whst you want but perhaps what the universe decides you need.
I remember someone I worked with years ago saying, after her brother died, how she used to believe everything happened for a reason, until then. Now She was angry, "how could this possibly be for a reason" and I remember thinking. Cos the reason is far bigger than her and her family. The reason is beyond imaginable and it's hard to accept. I never said anything. Fuck of course I didn't, but it keeps ringing true. We can positive think us a miracle but the miracle might be that mum goes in peace and contenement. And not in fear or pain. But my ego self, my child self, my scared self, my self that doesn't feel I can do life without her in it, says, fuxk that shit. We need a miracle miracle. Like one where the cancer has disappeared. And funnily enough. I believe in that too.
There is literally no point in fearing or preparing for anything other than a miracle. Instead we just sit tight. We meditate. We visualise. We breath. We talk. We hug. We just do this together. And we take it day by day.
I am scared though. That we are not making the most of this time. Post chemo mum had a week of nausea so we couldn't do anything anyways. But I want to change the world with whats going on. I feel like thats a reason for all this. To be open and share this stuff. I want us to podcast and write and talk to Holly and Phil about how amazing mum is and how you can beat depression with cancer. Cos that's how it feels. Mum's cancer has pushed her depression aside and she's the most content I've seen her in a long time. Cos she has some purpose maybe. Some fight. Some hope that there is more reason on this earth than to just exist. It's of course the eye opener you get when your time is threatened. And I want her/us to shout it from the roof tops. Don't wait too long to start living. Do it now. Live now.
But fear seeps in. Of course. The ego always seeps in. So currently just trying to work on that. And then that distracts me from whats really going on. And I wonder. Am i feeling anxiety that we are not doing enough so that I don't feel sad that mum has cancer? What tricks is my mind playing. How is it protecting me? Or am I just being strong. Maybe you do get the strength from somewhere you never knew without even realising. Maybe everything we feel is so normal and I need to breathe some more. Let it all be some more. Maybe. I dont know.
It just feels like time is so precious and I worry that lying here writing about it loses us that time. Time when we could be on This Morning spreading the word. The cancer is not the worst thing in the world, existing in one that you dont enjoy, appreciate, love... is.
So we keep on trying to do all of that. When we can. Where we can. And pray that that lesson is lesson enough.
Love Danni xxx