Nearly 3 weeks has past. I haven't cried cried for a few days. I've had a slight escape and got drunk with friends. There is guilt there for her but it was also needed and the guilt is short lived. Mum would tell me to stop being ridiculous.
I worry that I have stopped crying so much is that I am disillusioned. That we have no idea what is going to hit us and that the tears are Gonna come back heavier and harder. But then I also think no. We are just on a road of acceptance. And not acceptance of death. We are not just giving up. But acceptance of the cancer and the scenario and being able to say "ok universe this is what you got. Let's go" In the awareness and acceptance of that things feel better. For now.
We have been clearing my mum's flat. She's a alight hoarder 🙄and it has been therapeutic. Clearing old energy thst she no longer needs. Keeping the good ol faithful sparking joy items and not keeping things that she just doesn't love that much. We have bags and rails of things to sell and give away. Fundraiser clothes partay is coming your way.
We are talking about clothes she might wear to chemo. Sparkly dresses shes worried shes might never get to wear again. Fuxk it. You bloody will. Let's sit in chemo in dresses and pink wigs and live it up.
We found scarves that she never wears and decided to practise head wraps (I'm awful) for when she loses her hair. Apparently she will. Although I'm sure you can get a freeze cap thing? But she looks cute in the head wraps so maybe I'll just get better at them.
We also had a family row. Some anger and basically fear. Fear at the system. Fear about getting lost in a process and not getting the best care. Cos we get it. The nhs cant surely give the best care to everyone. Surely there is a priority list. And as we are still in limbo we just all have fear bubbling over. But we are a family that rows and then we are fine. We need it. We need to say the rawness of it all. We need to say. "I am scared" im angry cos im scared. I'm shouting cos im scared. I'm saying hurtful things cos im scared.
I am scared. But I am also feeling inspired to take this challenge on. I feel inspired to be mums wing woman and turn up to the cancer party arm in arm and say DJ. Play our favourite song. And dance like noones watching as we dance battle our way through this.
I'm lying in bed waiting for mum to come to bed so we can breathe and visualise and love the cancer away.
Xxx