It's been 5 days since mum told me she has cancer (incurable at that)
Day 1 and 2 felt like a hole I would never get out of. Any positivity or zen like behaviour I have learnt over the last 15 year's just wondered away waving back at me with a smug look on its face. It was like positivity and hope were laughing at me. "And you thought we could save you" It rounded the corner and I didnt think I would see it again.
My mum on the other hand. Has been her best self. Full of energy, light, love, acceptance. This mostly made me so happy and so glad that someone was able to find the light in this situation, but it also partly angered me. "Oh now you wanna be happy? Now you wanna live life?"
My mum, 55, single mum, a registrar for births deaths and marriages (she married me and my husband just one month ago) is a woman of love and passion. She has always had fire in her belly, fiercness with her opinions and a sting in her tail. Some people do not like my mum. Those people do not understand her. Those people are not her people and for years, that hurt me. She was loud, assertive (some would say aggressive) she would tell you what she thought and not always diplomatically. She's a defensive soul. Always felt under attack but quite honestly I feel like she often was. If not by other family members, then boyfriend's or co workers. And I'm my mother's daughter. So this angered me a lot. Other people I felt, would dull my mum's shine.
And when other people weren't. Anti depressants did. My mum has always been depressed. From as far back as I can remember. Not to my agreement. I often felt like she was being a drama queen. "Just suck it up mum, think positively, move on" I had little understanding for depression growing up,despite my grandad being manic depressive my whole 14 years of life that I knew him, but still,I dint get it, nor did it resonate with me.
Over the last 5 year's with a change in my job and a change in my own happiness ups and downs, I started to understand my mum a lot more. She gave up alcohol 6 years ago and has been sober since *which I am sure isnt the easiest thing for someone who likes to numb out her feelings. But she's done it and done it with grace and ease. But I would say that the last few years my mum hasn't seemed like the firery, opinionated, sweary mum I knew. The one that gave me my fesityness. In some ways, this was a good thing. She wasnt on the attack or deffense. She was calmer. And perhaps if she had felt more content, this would have been a good thing. But she withdrew more and more.
My mum is the most wonderful woman. She empathises (sometimes over relate ay mum?;) but, she listens, she hears you. Like really hears you. And her energy and ability to laugh in the worse case scenario is infectious. But antidepressants, boredom and lack of hope in herself to live her best life, took away that umph she had. From time to time we saw it. But her disbelief in herself over took any belief she once had. The glimpses of self acceptance and self love would show up from time to time (years worth of self help books would force that out of her) but then the ego, the fear, would come again and she would retreat back to her living room to swipe on Pinterest and eat teackaes.
My mum. A woman capable to run workshops and facilitate a room, someone who could do stand up and hold attention anywhere, would curl back up into a quiet place in her head and a(void) life. Don't get me wrong, she still did stuff. She went to Skyros (her life long dream) She went on a Tantra holiday, yoga holiday, did a week long boot camp, would go to workshops in London, did the Hoffman course, image work therapy, spent time at AA occasionally, would take on new adventures and she did keep living. She did. But it was just the self belief that wavered, which I felt quitened her soul.
Until she got cancer.
and there she was. Her firey, funny, full of light self. Who would have thought it. Suddenly she wants to live. Cos quite frankly at times she hasn't wanted to. But it seems that now she does. I know. Why wait till death is a knocking to really decide you actually want to? Well that's just the way it is thats just how it works sometimes and as sad as it is. If she gets only a small time of really wanting to live live rather than another 50 yrs existing,then hey, she would take that option any day.
We all know this cancer will change our lives. We know there are harder days to come. We know she has cancer, we know time may be limited, but what we dont know is what time we have. We don't know the details. We don't know how this is all gonna go down. But all we do know is that we have to stand together in acceptance.
What you resist, persists.
So whilst people may not understand this, we are not going to create a hostile enviroment for this cancer. The more we try to anger or stress it away the more the enviroment for it to breed will become. Yes we will stand up to it but no we will not fight it with fear and hate.
What we will do is learn about it. Find out all we can. And then in understanding it we can have less fear. And with less fear comes peace and with peace comes a body ready to heal. Be in physically or mentally. Either way. This is time for mum to heal. Not to live in darkness anymore but to actually be the light that she has always been but to now know it.
So we have decided to talk to the cancer. So many people avoid it. So many people don't say the word (but me and mum have never been shy to use the C word) people say cancer like it's full of shame. Pain and horror. And whilst of course, there is that. There is love that has already manifested out of this. My mum has never felt so much connection and love. People reach out. People are kind. People are there and instead of pulling away like in the last year, she has leaned into the love.
Also, the authenticity of the situation. There has been a lot of "chirpyness" since diagnosis. Lots of brave smiles. But yesterday. We had a row. She dint want to do the things I was asking her to do. "We don't have the time mum" I was saying. "Stop being lazy" and mum fought back that she just wanted to sit and have another cup of tea. She didn't want to do her exercises etc and I wasn't having it. We shouted. I stormed out. I called my aunt in anger and frustration. And all whilst this was happening I didn't think it was sad. That mum had cancer and we were rowing. It felt real. It felt like us. We row. We are opinionated. 5 mins later we were fine and still loved each other more than anyone else in the world. Arguments are ok. Passion is ok. We needed to be frustrated and get it out rather than fester. Cancer loves that kinda enviroment. Cancer wants us to be stressed and angry and let our guard down.
So instead we will not.
Instead we have opened the door and welcomed her in. "Oh hey there Cancer, what brings you here? Fancy a cup of tea"
"Huh" Knocked for six. "They let me in?" She thinks. "They werent meant to let me in,I was gonna just boulder my way through the door uninvited, unannounced. And ruin their lives"
"Want a biscuit with your cuppa? What brings you here today? Do tell us, let us take a perch and we can sit and chat" we say.
"Well what the fuxk is going on?" Thinks Cancer. "This is uncomfortable. I don't like kindness."
"You are welcome to stay for tea and a biscuit but quite frankly, after that, we will have to let you out. We got shit to do, things to see, butterflies and sun and love to do. We cant stand around here moping and chatting with you for ages"
"Thank fuck" thinks cancer, "cos y'all arent reacting at all the way I like."
She sips her tea. She watches on timidly. Unsure. And when the time comes, we open the door.
And away she walks. Saddened, weak and confused.
We wave her on, "thanks for the visit" we say as we close the door behind her.
Thanks for the short visit!