It's been a while since I wrote. After all the uncertainty there is still more uncertainty and today it feels suffocating. Today it feels worse cos life stopped and I didn't have lots to do and I'm arguing with J and so I think of all the bad things. All the things that can go wrong. I'm worried about the mri scan results and the response CT scan thst seems to have been done way too soon. I'm scared in losing you more than we realise and I am scared im not spending enough time with you. I feel like we should be together Always. Even in the doing nothing bits. Cos I know I will regret not having spent more time with you.
I miss you. It feels like it's been ages. I still meditating/visualising before bed but it's become harder and that scares me. I need to start doing my 5 minute breathing again. In the day to start my day off. Now more than ever.
You are upset that you're not doing more with your time but remember. At the moment your time is to be strong and get through this chemo. But yes I do hope you read and write and listen to podcasts and go for walks. I hope you do look after yourself when im not there. I hope.you eat your fibre and protein. I hope you don't beat yourself up. I hope you love yourself super hard.
I hope you're not scared. I'm scared. But I hope you're not. I love you xxx