With cancer present?
Somehow I possibly think so.
It's been a rough week of emotions. Ups and downs. Selfish ones and selfless one. Fears for me and fears for my mum. Fears for my career and my plans and fear for my mum's plans. How can she plan? What can she plan?
After what seemed like forever in limbo we finally got some dates for treatment. Radio therapy to be the 12th March on the tumour in her bone and chemo to start on the 13th. All a bit back to back but it does leave us time to go away. Time to be in "this" moment. Before. Before it all really begins, begins.
Today mum said, after we sat in Maggie's, a cancer space full of support for people who have cancer and their families, she said
"do you think people think we are mad cos we are being so positive? So philosophical? So accepting? Do you think they look at us and think "OH gosh, they've got a big shock ahead of them?" I thought "fuxk maybe" and then I thought "well how else can it be? No point waiting for the worst. Waiting for the pain. Predicting how awful it will be. We have to take one day at a time. We have be here now and deal with that (whatever that is) then.
At the begining of the week I felt so low. We had our 2nd appointment at the hospital and it was all over rather quickly. It was apparent we had become another number in the system. Another cancer patient on the conveyor belt. I'm not utterly sure about one of our Macmillan nurses, which is a shame, as I want them to live up to the expectation and the hype people speak of. But I am trying to with hold judgement. Although hard at the moment.
And that's it. At the moment everything else feels hard. My energy is purely being used up on positivity for the situation. On keeping my head up and keeping on going. That my own mindfulness for my life, relationships and career seems to have slipped. My routine and my structure that has helped me grow into a better person, has taken a back seat. All my focus is on being with mum, researching cancer, talking about cancer (which I need to do) but it dawned on me I cannot be my best self whilst I am not putting my own structures in place to "be" who I think is my best self. If im not giving myself the oxygen mask first, I can't help with mums. So toward she end of this week I ate more veg. I trained a bit more. I got into work and begun thinking about creating content again. I still haven't drunk more water but give a girl a break. I feel better already and I know now I can give better energy to my mum.
You would think we would be having awful days all the time. But weirdly some days are so normal. So mundane even. You forget theres this unwanted visitor. Then other days seem insanely mad that we can be having such a lovely time. Today mum said
"Is it awful that I feel like I'm living my best life?"
No work, dates with the spiritual healer, coffee with me midday, sun shining, time to read, write, spend time with people she loves?
Nope. It's not awful at all. If you cant live your best life now, when someone has told you theres a time limit, then when can you?
We are all accutley aware that this may be the best she feels in a while. This week may be the most normal it can be. These days before treatment begins may be the last with her gorgeous bobbed hair and lovely soft skin in this beautiful body (she will say its not) but the fact it's still working (albeit with Yoda, mums name for the cancer) the fact that her body is not unwell and she is breathing and pooping like normal and walking about and living its best life, it is beautiful. And we do not know what is to come. We do not know what chemo or Yoda will do in the next few months. So right now we are embracing the "norm" we are embracing the meals out, the coffee dates, the sunshine, the breaths, the moments that we do not know are always gonna feel like this.
So whilst of course it's in the utter most awful circumstances, we are living our best lives. In the mundane and the exciting. We may be off to see the Northern lights next week, ya know, as ya do.
We do truly believe that Yoda is mums teacher (our) teacher. She is here to teach and make us see. That there is beauty in the mundane. Light in the dark. There are moments to take and things to experience without... waiting. Without waiting for the ideal body, the biggest bank account, the perfect time. There is no ideal perfection in any of life and there are experiences and goals and life we are missing out on whilst we wait for a better day?
But what if there is not a better day? What if today is it?
We must stop waisting time being moody, unhappy, unsatisfied because we are waiting.
In waiting we miss what we have.
In waiting we dont live our best lives because we are waiting for our best lives to begin. But they are here already. It's now!