Ive not been able to write for a while. I think after your celebration I was so overwhelmed with joy. It seems a bit mad. That there would be so much joy at a celebration of life. But there was. The day was full of love and magic and you.
I don't think there is a single thing I would do differently, apart from have you there, physically.
I keep telling myself thst you're with me in spirit. I know you send the parakeets. But sometimes it doesn't feel good enough. Sometimes, well, all the time. So I think I stop thinking about the alternatives. The way things could have been. Used to be.
Last night I went to text you. I plain simply forgot for a split second. And It broke my heart. It was so weird how I could just forget that you're gone. Physically.
I listen to our chats and I watch videos of you and it makes me feel safe. But time goes on and I dont see or hear you for a while and I wonder if this is life now. Do I just get used to this? I dont wnat to get used to it. But can I carry on living if I dont?
I hear you in my head. I visualise you opposite me sitting in a field of daffodils smiling.
Your celebration was full of you. Every story every memory was so consistent it made me so proud that you were authentically you until the end. Even in death. In your message. People have come away feeling full of love. Full of energy. Full of a new perspective. You did that. Your words, your faith, your belief. The whole day was sprinkled with sparkly you. Your imperfections. Your insecurities. You genuine openness to being you even when you didnt like you. Your willingness to let others be them, even when you didnt like them. I know you didnt always get shit right. Thats what your day was about. Honesty. Openess. Forgivness.
The silent disco was the most amazing feeling I have felt since you have been gone (from here) I felt you laughin and smiling watching us all dance to candy. Watching us connect and breathe and feel you. Remembering something you said that pissed us off. Or that pissed you off. I know you felt our release and our forgiveness.
Did you get our full moon ceremony messages? Did you feel comfort in them? Did they reach you?
I know you will say of course they did. Sometimes I just wanna be reassured.
Thats what I miss. The reassurance of your love. Of your listening. Of your empathy. I miss it so much. I miss you so much.
I'm sorry I havent written in a long while. I have been trying to get used to life without you here. But I dont want to. I dont like it.
I miss you. Last week felt fake. Now I look back. The way I felt ok. The warmth I felt post your day. Cos now I feel plummeted back to earth and all I feel is heaviness in my heart again. But I carry on because, well, you have to. Because I know you want me to. I know you are rooting for me. But I have this dread and fear that something bad is going to happen. And Im trying my hardest to remember the joy and the magic. But this minute. This hr. I feel suffocated by fear at the idea you are not here to protect and love me like you used to.
I miss you
I love you more than marzipan.