I think this might be it. The grief that people discuss. A sickening, uneasy, nauseous feeling.
I've felt the niggles before. I have felt that there was something not quite right lingering, but it easily can be distracted from. Life until now has felt quite normal I would suppose. Normal but without you in it. Perhaps a feeling that you're just on holiday. I watch your videos and listen to your voice and it is like we arw staying in touch via whats app or by phone.
But now, two months in to the day, I don't just sit with a niggle but an overwhelming darkness. A wave came out of nowhere on saturday and I came back up for air. Another hit me yesterday and this time it feels like I'm still under. Somehow breathing. Somehow I have some oxygen but it's running out. The water is murky. This is not scubadiving in the caribbean.
The only way I could decribe it to J was i feel like I'm on a come down after a night of doing a shit ton of drugs. Unease. Fear. Anxiety. Confusion. Nothing makes sense. Heart racing. Am I gonna die?
I notice this week how much I am craving attention. People. Someone to ask how I really am and not just wait for “I'm ok" which I normally am. Ya know. As OK as you can be when your mum, your person, has died. But I dont feel OK today. Or yesterday.
OK. Yes. I can shower, dress, eat, muck about on tiktok, laugh, smile, hae conversations. If you mean that? Am I OK? Then the answer will always be yes I think. But am I actually OK? No I'm fucking not. But I don't know what I need other than people to not forget that your dead. Or to talk about you and ask questions?
I dont know what I need so I dont know how to ask. I don't know what “help" I am meant to ask for becuase really, I don't know what is wrong.
You're not here with me. That's whats wrong. And noone can fix it. So what is the point telling anyone that?
The parakeets havent come sinfe I asked you for a new sign. So I am waiting.
Yesterday it was a year since we found out I was pregnant. Me and you in shock sitting looking at the little stick of miracles. Yesterday I got my period after a real good “try” for a baby. And for the 1st time I felt devestated. A xmas miracle was not on the cards and thay magic I thought you may be able to help with, didnt come into fruition and I felt disappointed. Unfairly so.
This is the hardest month. Your celebration is done. Coronavirus has stolen your limelight and your death is no longer the most shocking thing to happen to people or to this year. People say they haven't forgotten but they are never going to feel what I feel and so of course. I feel lonley. I feel lost.
J asked me for some words whilst I cried and couldnt explain how I felt.
Lost.
Alone.
Confused.
Let down.
Needy.
Broken.
Fearful.
The only other person who knew me, all of me. Knew things I may have done when I was little, my little intricacies, funny things, naughty things, was you. Noone else. Noone else knows the real full me other than me. And now I wonder who I am. If your not here, my context feels lost.
I feel lost.
I am scared that I am not going to get washed up on the shore and that I may be lost at sea. I am worried that these dark murky waters will not ever clear.
I am praying and longing for sunshine on my skin.
I feel like the only way is to share you. Share your story. Share our story. I hope that works.
I miss you mum.
I love you more than marzipan.