Somehow it seems likes its been months. Not 2 weeks. How has it only been 2 weeks.
How is it that this time 3 weeks ago we watched Magic Mike together. You said to J “you better not be growing that top not again” and when I asked you what you loved most about J you siad his wit.
How was it only 3 weeks ago I bought you 3 new nighties and went for pizza express with J as if life was normal? That hardly makes sense. I try to remind myself not to feel guilty that I wasn't by ypur side 24/7. That you needed the respite. You said to me around then that you were scared. One scared of the pain and two scared that you needed to let go but felt bad. You felt pressure as a mum to stay. I hope I convinced you I would be ok. I said I would be and you asked me to promise and I meant it from the heart. I will be oK. But I know it's going to be hard.
I am worried I am npt upset enough. Not becuase I didnt love you. But because I am self protecting. And one day the cover up is going to be peeled off and I am going to have a break down.
I just feep there is only so many times I can say
I am so so. Ups and downs. I miss you. I feel lost. I feel lonely. I cant believe you're gone. It seems so trivial. None of that seems deep or heart felt enough. I feel like I am wondering around an 80s new york in the rain on a dark grey day after being dumped and not having anywhere to go and then walking into an dated bedsit that has coloured sheets, a carpet and doll heads on the wall with no tv to distract you and an extractor fan going off consitently so you feel even more uneasy but you're not sure why. I know some peoplw won't get this. But you will. I know you will. You're the only person that possibly could.
I am going to keep looking out for signs. For you.
I love you more than marzipan.
Love bobs xxx