It's been ages since I wrote.
Since any of us wrote.
Possibly because we are tired. Or the immediate "umphy" spark has gone out. Or just cos normal life roughly ensues. As much as it can. I don't know.
Last week was a good week though. I don't want to skip that bit. Mum's fundraiser made over £1000 and the day was a complete success. And theb the day after we were told mums tumour had shrunknand that she was responding to the chemo well. We were ecstatic. The response could have been that the tumour didn't spread or grow. It could have also been a negative and that it had continued to grow. But instead. It shrunk. We rode on that high for the day. Maybe the next. But the darkness comes back sometimes. Mum's grey cloud snuck its way back in.
The chemo is making her feel very low. The chemo or the cancer or just life. We don't know. But she's feeling nauseous a lot and her joy of food has gone. Which as a fellow foodie, is horrendous.
I'm finding it harder and harder because of course, I don't know how it feels. I don't know if Im pushing too hard when I try and get her to eat or go for a walk. I don't know if she is unwilling or unable, and that is difficult to navigate. I end up feeling like an ogre, forcing her to try and think positive. To try and do something other than lay in bed. I just cant take it that the cancer or the chemo can strip the living you waned to do and make existing seem even worse. It hurts me so much to see her so low.
I'm also aware that selfishly it is my own triggers about not getting enough done in life. Not making some radical statement to the cancer or to the world that "we will not take it lying down" I want this to be a moment in time where we defy the odds and I can't imagine that when all this is over she is just another stat. Another number. Another one lost to cancer. In my heart I need to know we put our soul and heart into trying. Yet I'm not a great tryer. I'm a procrastinator that's my story. And the more I see mum not doing, the more my own fears about my own life shine brighter. Which isn't fair.
There's a weird family dynamic too. We all want the same thing for mum but we all deal with her differently. We all have very different relationships with her and that is hard. It's hard for mum as she feels so much guilt for all of us. That makes me sad. I don't want her worrying about anyone else. She worries so much and worrying is such a waste of time.
She's so quiet lately. I grew up with mum who was a loud, opinionated, chatty, charismatic person. We both share the complex of fearing we are "too much" but she never was too much. Not for her people. To her people She is funny. And witty and when comfortable the light in a room.
But when she is self concious and not with her people her spark gets dulled somewhat. She said that just when we found out the cancer. The last couple of years she has withdrawn slightly. But the cancer news crazily seemed to bring her back. Her old self shone through. She was excited about not letting cancer win.
But as the weeks have gone on the chemo seems to fill her with self doubt, possible self pity, sadness and uncertainty and it breaks my heart. I don't know how to cope with it all. Some days I feel like I'm bloody coping so well. I don't cry anymore. I feel like everything makes sense. And then I come to write and I realise I'm not ok. But I don't know how to cry anymore. I don't know how to not be ok. How to express my fear or sadness. I feel cut off from my own emotions. I just feel like I have some bubbling in my throat but they don't know where to go which feels suffocating.
I can't visualise at the moment. The last month I can't picture mum in here field of daffodils breathing in love. The picture is blurry and that scares me.
Today's I feel like I don't know how to even go and coach 2 clients. I don't know how I will be there for Kettleboobs and organise Women's Health Live. I don't know how to grow my business and post on insta. I don't know how to show up for my online clients. I feel quite useless. Actually it's the 1st time in 3 months that I feel at loss and that I don't know how to jazz this feeling up with positives.
I don't like to be self pittying. I find it so unattractive. I'm not good with the "victim" mode. Probably cos I spent my teens and twenties being one. I don't want to go back.
But I feel totally lost today.
Life will never be the same and you get your head around it and day to day you think "ya know what,I've actually got this" and then out the blue there is just suddenly a bit of a panic.
I'm not being the ideal daughter right now. The ideal wife. The ideal coach. The ideal friend. No-one expects me to be. No-one at all. What does "ideal" even mean. But The feeling inside me feels totally not ideal.
I didn't sleep well last night. It could be that. I haven't eaten many vegetables lately. It could be that. I didn't train yesterday or walk anywhere. It could be that. I have those structures in place for a reason. They help me mentally. So this is a reminder to
Eat my veg
Walk
Sleep
Work out
Also a reminder I'm going to have to be honest and explain to people. I actually don't think I'm doing well. Maybe just today. Or maybe for a bit longer. But texting back, emailing, even socialising is feeling a bit impossible. I literally know tomorrow I will feel different. But today. Today I just need time alone!