Feel so easy some days and then so so hard on others.
It would cause so much uncertainty.
It would make me go back on beliefs and things I thought I was solid on like "I would force mum to eat a seriously healthy diet and avoid dairy and meat and processed foods" when in reality I just need her to eat. Anything. Anything at all.
I didn't realise it would have days it would make me and mum less close. That we would fight.
That it would have us on different pages.
I didn't realise it would make mum feel so so sick. (Nieve of me yes)
I didn't realise her hair thinning would make me so so sad. For her. Like it makes me feel so scared for her.
Seeing her so vulnerable would break my heart.
I didn't realise mum may want to give up. I imagined she would juat always be up for the fight. But some days are so hard it makes her question it.
I did not realise that it would not make me angry or feel hard done by. I assumed I would spend the whole time goin "why us why?" But it's left me more casual about it. That this is life. And I worry that I have become one of those cold hearted bitches that thinks "well of course... this is life bad shit happens" Which is fine. As long as I remember good shit happens too.
I didn't realise it would strip mum of some of her words. That she wouldn't know what to say or feel. Is that the cancer or the chemo?
I don't think you realise how strong you can be. But also how weak it makes you when you least expect it.
I didn't realise how much more it would make me love my mum.
So much more than marzipan!
xxx