The best kind of day.
I am just heading home after a few days with you. At present, each day is an unknown territory. We take each day as it comes as we never know what pain may creep up. What feels you may feel and in some ways we have began feeling a bit more controlled by the cancer.
But on tuesday we had an onchology meet, and then had a lovely dinner with Linda before heading to the pictures to see Last Christmas with Emma Thomson and Emila Clarke and it was such a lovely afternoon. You smiled. You sung along to the Wham songs and you laughed at Emma Thomson and it made me so happy to see you happy. Living with cancer not being swept away by it.
Last night we watched some of our new fav show, The Crown and today. Today you woke up chirpy and dancing around. We headed to a hospital appointment where we waited 2hrs and once we got over the annoyance we were just grateful to have more time together. As we got back to the car and we saw the hazzard lights on, we knew. The car battery would be dead. On another day,on a pre cancer day, this truly would have been the end of the world. We would have both effed and blinded.
But instead, we laughed. We went for coffee and we sung along to Mariah Carey and I felt so lucky tobe with you being silly.
We talked about who we would have to dinner, dead of alive.
You old bat picked…
Maggie Smith, Oscar Wilde, David Attenborough, Judy Dench and Miriam Margoyles.
I chose Dawn French, Russel Brand, Bette Middler, Marilyn Monroe and Brene Brown.
We decided to put our tables together and meet up because what a laugh it will be.
We got home and watched another ep of The Crown before I headed back to see J.
There is so much guilt leaving you. A husband that will be there when your gone. Why do I need to head back. I worry what will happen between now and the next time I'm back and pray that we will have more days like these ones.
We booked my birthday dinner and a house to stay at christmas and I am so excited to live in sparkles and play christmas songs all day.
I wanted to just start noting down all the little things. the things we may forget.
We might forget the little moments when we talked about you seeing Poppa again and meeting mine and Js baby we never got to meet. We decided you may not feel feelings as such. Do feelings exist in the universe as energy. Or are you just love? We decided there would be lots of love cos you all would be there as love.
You promised, if you can, if thats the way it is, you will always try to make yourself present. To look out for robins and butterlys and smells.
We decided that I may just hear a quiet “bum” to let us know you are there and may have just farted.
You told me you called me Danielle cos you loved Danielle Steel novels (classy :) and that you nearly called me chloe cos it was your fav perfume.
We just talked. And got to know each other more even though we know each other so well and I love you so so so very much that although cancer has so many negatives, the positives it can bring, like the little things and the small moments that no matter how hard you try before something as awful and as dark as this happens in your life, you just don't appreciate until it does. I am grateful for these moments. In the darkness. To have all this love and light.
You are my person.
And I muat remember to tell people to look out for curved fucking nails. Of all the things.
I love you.
More than marzipan
Love Bobs