I've been avoiding putting 'pen to paper' for some time now. How long is it since I was first told I possibly, well probably, have lung cancer?(should it be a capital C - seems less important if I give it a small c). That was 22nd January 2019, and my first thought was "What about Danielle"? Having had 34 years of motherhood I immediately felt the impact of that statement for her! How am I gonna tell her, well I'm not, till I have something definite to tell her. With hindsight, now the outcome is what it is, it would have been better to give her the two weeks I had, to process that probability, even though most of that fortnight was spent in denial, convincing myself what anyone and everyone who knows me knows - I'm a Drama Queen and I'm being melodramatic!
But 2 weeks later, there I was being told that, as they suspected, I do have Adenocarcinoma, which has spread to the Lymph and Adrenal glands. At the time, just over a week ago but it seems like ages, I felt surprisingly calm, in shock I guess, and spent the rest of the day reliving the conversation with my sister and friend, in a daze of disbelief. However, the next day, the worst day of my life so far, I am scared there may be more worst days to come, was having to tell my Darling Daughter the news. It caused me physical pain to see her so upset and to feel responsible for that pain! More than once in my life I've questioned whether I want to live or die and I've always stopped myself thinking further than that because I couldn't do that to Danni and now here I was, without a choice, telling her my days were numbered. We all know that's the inevitable reality for us all but when we're given a finite TOD so to speak it's unthinkable to have to share that with the most important person in your life - your daughter.
I seem unable to react to the news, I haven't really had a good cry, that ugly snotty cry Danni talks about! Haven't screamed or shouted about the unfairness of it all but it is very early days. For today, I can only record how it's unfolded matter of factly. I don't want to post this boring piece of writing - I want to post entertaining, humorous emotive stuff that interests people but hey today this is all I've got!