I wish I could replay wednesday back properly in my head. I wish I had known it was going to be our last day together. I wouldnt have sat on my laptop. I would have massaged your feet like I had said I would have sat by your side from morning until the end.
Despite knowing our days were numbered and that the end of this life together was close, it still knocked the wind out of me and shattered my heart into tiny pieces.
I cant remember the last actual thing We said to each other. You were slipping away for a few days. Can you remember? I remember the last time I said I love you and you replied. You enphasised the “too” in a cute loving way. I had worried you had gone from me the thursday before so I didn't know if you would reply. But you did. And I knew it to be true. It resettled my fear. That you werent gone yet. We had more time.
We had a few more days but it was hard for you. And I cannot recall each minute and its breaking me. I cant catch whether we had any other meaningful talks in the final days. Did we connect or was you asleep? Did you feel me there?
Poppa came to visit in the morning. I should have known then. He came back for you. It was time. Did you know it was time?
I know you were ready. We discussed it. I meant it when I said I would be ok. I meant it when I said it was ok to let go. I truly meant it.
Our love is so strong.
I felt it as I lay next to you stroking your face. I felt life leaving you and the love remaining between us.
I keep wondering whats real and what wasnt. Did you hear me? Did you feel me? Was you as peaceful as you looked?
You looked so peaceful when the time came.
Mum. Sometimes I cant breathe. I can't handle not remembering every little moment we had on wednesday. But then I feel peace because I watch our videos back or listen to our conversations and I think back to singing “oh christmas tree” or choosing our 5 dinner guests or dancing to Lizzo or singing to the spice girls or laughing with J.
My heart is full at the things I can remember and I have to keep reminding myself when I cant fathom what I can’t.
What I remember is all that matters. Like you always said. I will remember what I am meant to. And what I dont, wasn't important. I hear you saying it again and again.
So far life without you feels unbearable. It feels lonley. It feels cold. It feels pointless.
But I will be ok. Like I said. I will be ok.
I pray you are. I pray you are sparkling and peaceful and happy and full of memories and love.
I love you more than marzipan. Forever.
Xxx