I've just stepped out of my 3rd breath work session.
Something about these classes open me up. Its like I see with clarity. The good. And also the fucking scary. Once the actual breathing part was over tonight, he asked us to picture something or someone we were so grateful for.
I pictured you mum. I pictured you and me huggung I pictured us crying together. I pictured your face.
The last few months I have forgotten the extremity of whats really going on. I truly have been waiting and believing in the miracle. Which thats not to say I have stopped believing in it. But I am becoming more aware that time is ticking along and one day I wont have you by my side.
I cant fathom that to be honest. The selfishness in me panics. Who will I have then? What one soul on this planet loves me the way you do? The truth. There isnt one. And my world shatters into tiny pieces at the idea that noone loves you as much as I do either. Of course nan loves you. Of course linda loves you. But Its me. Its us. Its always been us two. Even when I was throwing coke cans on the floor cos you wouldn't take me to that house party in Gerrards Cross where Barry would be. My new boyfriend. Its like you didnt understand the importance of me being at this party.
But I forgave you for saying no lol and you forgave me for throwing the can on the floor. After you pursed your lips and told me in that “I’m not mad I'm disappointed” kind of way, to clear up the mess.
Even through all that, we came out the other side.
I have never ever stopped loving you and you have never stopped loving me. And the fear. Is that that will get broken and cut off and spoilt and lost without our permission.
But todays breathing session gave me that reminder that you will never stop loving me and I will never stop loving you because love cant be measured or touched or broken. Not by cancer. Not by death. No by all the distance in the world.
When he told us to picture this person that we were so grateful for, I saw your face. Your wonderful face. And even though I see sadness or doubt in your eyes about who you are or uncertainty at whats to come. I see love.
I looked at your face and I thought. I hope my daughter has your eyes. I think you have pretty eyes and it broke my heart that you said noone had said that to you before. Thats ridiculous. I love your eyes. I want to see you in my daughters eyes. I saw your face and I thought. I want my daughter to have your nose. That nose you have never liked. I want my daughter to have it. Because your nose is lovely and its yours.
I want my daughter to have your passion, your wit, your abilty to express your anger when you needed to. Your strength you have shown. Your liberal, open, honest mind. I want my daughter to say she doesnt like watching violent movies because they are too violent. I want her to read and relish in loving her sleep like you do. I want my daughter to love like you do. Care like you do.
Cos although you think you are not a kind caring person I know you are. You have always done anything for me. You have stayed alive for me. You have always put me 1st and sometimes perhaps you should have put yourslef 1st.
I want my daughter to buy cards that mean something and send them or give them for just no reason other than to say she loves someone. I want my daughter to fart with her daughters huaband and laugh with him whilst watching Glow up together. I want my daughter to be as deep a thinker as you always were. To be super self aware and to always be curious about discovering herself.
I want my daughter to be like you. I know I know you will say “no you bloody dont” and you will reel off all the things I wont want her to be like. Dont do that. I am not just saying all this to romantasise who you are. You are a pain in the arse. You never believed in yourself enough. You never loved yourself the way you deserved. And I hope that now you are begining to. I hope that you are begining to see what I see. And whoever never saw it. They didn't look hard enough. And im sure. Im sure you made it hard for some people. Your insecurities made you guarded. Hold back. “seem" a particular way to particular people… well those arent your people.
I want my daughter to see all the things in her that you perhaps dont see in you. Just because you dont see them it doesnt mean they are not there or not true.
I want to remind you of everything you are. Every good thing you are. Cos whats in you is in me and whats in me is in you and I am pretty proud of who we are.
I am proud of our love.
So this is a reminder that I love your eyes. I love your nose. I love your face. Cos no other face knows our love like we do.
I love you xxx