It's been a long long time since either of us wrote. I'm still not sure why the writing has become harder for me. For mum, well she will tell you another day, but I think the chemo takes you away some place other than this world. Like a weird haze of a world. For four months mum hasn't felt "normal" which at the time panics you. What if the cancer/chemo has taken her forever? What if there is not a "normal" again?
Mum's last round of strong chemo finished 3 weeks ago. She had two horrid days, a few less horrid and then the rest. Normal. Fucking normal. Which honestly, you just don't realise how much you would miss "normal" and rejoice it so much when it returns.
Her appetite was back. Her want for food like Hagen Daz or just a normal take away was back. For a foody, who lost her want for these things, it was tough going. So to get them back gave her back part of her.
For a while, when you don't know what normal is anymore, when you are unsure of who you are, what's coming, where you will be in the future, all plans you are making feel loose. Or hesitant.
3 days before mum was diagnosed with the cancer, I had given her, her "mum of the bride" gift to say thank you (for being her) and her help with the wedding. Two premium standing tickets to see our fav band, The Spice Girls.
There were moments I remember thinking "well this will all be over by then. June. It's so far away. Then moments when you think, "fuck, will we get to June? Will she make it?" And then moments you realise she may just be two ill to even get out of bed. And that stung. Because there was noone else I waned to go see the spice girls with. Noone at all in the entire world.
But, some magic happened. Mum's chemo sessions fell so that at one point she would be in week 3 on the spice girls week. Her best week before returning for chemo. Then it worked out, via changes cos of white blood cells it would fall on week 1 or 2 (not ideal) As we've said. There is no certainty with the cancer. Then we were told mum would only have 4 bouts of strong chemo and not 6. And the way that worked out, spice girls would fall 3 weeks post the last round and so the universe did its magic and last Saturday was made a reality.
To even explain what that magic was. We can't. If I could try to explain how rough & lost mum felt just a few weeks before, I can't. To try and describe what The Spice Girls meant to us. Again, I can't.
All I can tell you is that Girl Power has never ever meant more to us than it does now.
Mum came over the day before and we got our lashes done. Ridonculously overpriced, but eff it, it was the Spice Girls and we wanted to make the effort. We had a yummy dinner the night before and in the morning after I went to the gym and got mi nails done, we begun getting ready.
Again, that felt so lovely. We danced around listening to a playlist of Spice Girl songs whilst J (my hubby) cooked us some lunch and let us do our girly thing. I then sat and did mums make up and I don’t know why but that felt so precious. I notice that I feel so protective of her now. I am so aware of how she is vulnerable and it makes me sad, I don’t want her to feel vulnerable or weak or tainted by this cancer. Luckily she has for the most part, not let it, but I just feel like I need to protect and look after her more than ever. I hate it that she doesn’t live with me and that she is an hour away (luckily only an hour) but I feel safe when she is at mine. I feel comfortable and safe. So doing her make up for her made me feel even closer to her and I wanted to make her feel beautiful. I wanted her to feel at home in her body even though she had an uninvited guest. I wanted her to feel comfy and secure when her whole world is not.
I have to say, I think she looked so gorg. I know chemo can do such awful things to peoples skin and teeth and you can lose your hair. All things we didn’t know whether would happen. And mum counts her lucky stars her side affects so far haven’t been extreme. Her nausea has been, but she hasn’t lost her teeth, they seem the same, her skin hasn’t gone overly washed out or dry her hair has thinned but not fallen out. She is grateful for all of that as I think the side affects can weaken your resolve even more.
We decided to get an Uber and we ended up being their really early. So we decided to get some food at BoxPark and soak in the energy (there was a lot of energy :)
We got some non alcoholic slush puppies and then some coffee and we just had, time. Time to be present. We are both quite late people so it was enjoyable to just be there Waiting to go in.
We had been anxious (well I had been) that she was going to get tired quickly and we had standing tickets. I was worried she would catch something around all these people. I was worried that she would feel sick and we would have no space for air or room to breathe.
When we got into the stadium, and we walked into the premium standing tickets we had a sigh of relief. There wasn’t a crazy amount of people, mum felt great and energised and there was air and space and… and… we were so fucking close to the stage that we nearly wet ourselves. If I have ever been grateful for spending more money than planned, it was then.
We waited about 15 minutes and then the buzz began to build. The girls were going to come out soon. I may have even pooped a little bit.
People don’t often get my obsession with The Spice girls. My friends from back home love R&B music and whilst we are all fans of garage, (my late teen years will always be with that music) but my first taste of music that “I” liked (accept for Oasis and Alaanis Morrisette) was The Spice Girls. I remember clearly being age 11 and dancing in my room to their album. I remember the books and memorising their birthdays. I waned to dress like Geri and I bought myself Buffulos and orange crop tops so I could emulate their vibe. It is just such happy memories for me, probably my most as that was the last time before I became self concious. Of who i was and what my body looked like. The Spice Girls for me, were the last ti,e (till I was like 30) that I felt good being “me”
But most of all I remember this. I remember thinking “these girls are just normal. They are like me. They dont have “all” the singing talent, but fuck, it didnt matter. I didn’t care. Who cared. They had this energy and this charisma and this power. I remember thinking, if they can do what they do and then go on to achieve what they can, I could. All you needed was some self belief and some girl power. I remember that feeling so so so vividly that it has always kept me obsessed with them. Even when everyone decided to hate them once I was in year 9. Britney was the new pop star and some friends had started listening to more indie pop.
I however bought all their albums, even the 3rd awful one “Hola”
As the years went on I can’t really explain to you, but they always had this massive space in my heart and when they did their reunion tour at the o2 back over 10 years ago, me and mum went then too. Mum grew up with me loving them, mum loved them just as much.It was our thing. Just mine and hers.
Talking in therapy about mum, I always become very aware of how she is my person. Like my only person. Of course I have friends, a wonderful husband, other family too. But I don’t have a dad I grew up with. I don’t have siblings. I don’t have anyone else I shared my day in days outs with from birth to the time I moved out aged 24. It was always her and me. It was noone else. Not even her husband who came along when I was 14, could take that away. And whilst yes it was hard, the three of us, me and mum came out the other side. Closer. Because I trusted noone like my mum. I also realise, I don’t feel like there is anyone on earth that loves me or likes me more than her. Of course I doubted that for a second when she found a man, but as I grew up and grew wiser, It became clear, that of course she bloody liked me. She adored me. And the further into therapy I get I have this overwhelming impending doom that when she goes (dear universe take your effing time) I will be left. Alone. With noone backing my corner the way she does. Noone calling me out on my shit like she does. Noone cheering me on from the sidelines or being there as a shoulder to cry on, as she does. I know for a fact I have a block on what this really means. I write this and I have no tears. They come unexpectedly. Like the other day when J had a dig that I spilt choc on the sofa. I burst out crying and felt immediately sad about mum. But as I mention it, talk about it, say these sad things, I feel blocked from these emotions,
My therapist says its because I have built up a defense. I overuse anger and anxiety and distract from my sadness.
I don’t have much else to say on the matter right now. I don’t know how to change it currently, accept to let the tears come when they come, even if it’s at the last ep of Game of Thrones. I irrationally cried at how shit the ending was when really, I am sure, it wasn’t really about John Snow calling Mother of Dragons Dani and Bran the Broken being named the King. But still. At least I got some tears out.
Getting to share these bucket list moments with my mum is probably the best thing I will do with my life. I can’t imagine not sharing this time with her. These experiences. We got to see The Spice GIrls and we were basically like 4 metres away. I got to sing Mama along with my Mama and watch as all my childhood nostalgia played back to me live, in 3D colour with mum at my side who had shared my love for them since day one. We had that. We got to do that. The cancer couldn’t take that away from us. And oddly enough, the cancer made it better. More real. More prominent. More needed. More exciting. More fulfilling. More special. I know the cancer gets a bad rep. It really is shitty. But, as shitty as it is, there are some pros. You look at the world differently. You look at life differently. You look at each other differently.
I look at my mum with so much more respect and pride than I ever have. She has no idea how proud I am of her. If there was ever a time where she showed me how to be human, how to do hard things, how to not let something awful ruin the life you do have, Its NOW. I have never ever wanted to be more like my mum. The ultimate Spice Girl.
Viva Forever.